Just existing
There are so many things I want to say. How unfair this feels, how I can’t bear another summer without Samson. I can’t even enjoy the one we have, because he should have been here. Waking up in the summer, with both of my boys home—it was my delight. It was a source of joy! Finally, summer has come, and now the fun can begin! Except, not this year. No, not this year. There isn’t the same sense of joy, in fact the spot that once carried my joy, now carries a profound sense of emptiness, loneliness, sorrow. It is looking into his room, and not seeing him there. Looking at his fishing gear, his poles, and bait hanging in the garage. It is Gabe wanting to find something of Samson’s, so he can wear it this summer, to feel close to his brother. It is an empty backyard, no badminton set up this year… no dock going to the pond for you to fish. Your crocs and your gear isn’t scattered. It is all still where you left it. Dad organized it for you, Samson. We haven’t touched it.
This is when I would have started to plan his birthday, figuring out what we were going to do for it. Your birthday always came during hockey tryout’s. I wanted to plan way ahead of time each year, to make sure everyone could come. Which in turn makes me think of your 16th birthday… we drove to Duluth for you to get your license… and then you were gone a little over a month after that.
I think about how Samson should have been here, getting up with his brother, playing with him, driving him around, spending time together. How 17 was coming so soon… The age I had Samson at.. I think that is the biggest dagger in the heart. He had so much life left to live. Samson had his entire life ahead of him. He had potential! He had spunk, and charisma, he had grit and determination. He didn’t even make it more than 8 weeks into his sophomore year… He was just beginning life. I could see it. I could see the grad party, I could see him graduating. It was all within reach, and now that future is gone.
It isn’t just my world that flipped; it is his brother's too. Nothing is the same, and nothing will ever be the same. Gabe went from having his built-in best friend to being alone. At 12, his world changed. His forever companion, his big brother. They couldn’t be bored if they were together. They always had someone to occupy one another. Even having a sibling to just complain about your parents with, or all their inside jokes. He is lonely… his only sibling, gone. I am going to be brutally honest for a bit. As a parent losing a child, your world is falling apart. You don’t want to keep living. You don’t want to exist, yet you know that you have to. You know, for your other children, you have to be a rock. It sucks. Plain and simple. It is misery. In the worst moment of your life, when escaping life seems like your only way out, the only way to free yourself from the shackles of excruciating pain, and you can’t. You have to wake up, endure the pain, and keep going. You have to give your other child(ren) a parent still, and by God Samson, I am trying. I am trying so hard to be here for Gabe, and not escape to you, even though that is all I want to do.
I didn’t write for all of June. I took time away to be with family, to process everything I am going through with them and with Gabe. We need to be there for one another. I need to be there for him… which is hard when you feel like you can’t even show up for yourself at times. We are keeping our eyes on Jesus, on the sunsets, on Samson being in his ultimate peace, being in the home I so anxiously want to be in. I couldn’t do this without faith. So even in my worst moments, I will still praise. I will sing when I weep, I will rejoice in my sorrow, because I know where my son is. And if I loved Samson so much, I am willing to give my life to restore his, how much more does my Father love me? How does His heart break, when He see’s mine shattering. At least I know he is safe, out of reach from this evil world, that seems even more evil without Samson in it. My baby… I didn’t want to do this life without you, so help me make you proud. I will never stop sharing your name, my love. Xoxo- Mom.
