Thoughts and Emotions

I don't always have the words to say. Sometimes words are fleeting for me. It's my heart and my mind that are suffering. Waking up in a world you don't want to be in, waking up in your worst nightmare every day, knowing it will never stop. It will never go away until I finally die... it's horrible, yet this is the reality I am faced with.

One of Samson's best friends, Tristan, is graduating this year. I think of how they are all growing, how Samson should have been with them, how he should be able to see Tristan graduate. I saw posts from his friends this weekend: fishing, parties, kids being kids. He isn't there... Samson isn't there.

Everything I fought for, everything I worked for, it was all for Samson. Being pregnant at 16, moving out, having it be Samson and I... I fought. I had to. It was either sink or swim. I fought because I had a beautiful boy relying on me, and he only had me. It truly did feel like Samson and I against the world in those beginning years.

In his early life, and mine, I never knew how I was going to pay for anything. Somehow we figured it out. When Samson was little, he didn't know this, but I was selling plasma to pay for his hockey. I knew I wanted him in sports, and I knew I didn't have the money for it, but I was going to figure it out. We went through those hard battles. We went through the realities of being a teen mom who was single and without financial support... but we made it. We made it through those moments... not unscathed, but together.

That's a huge part of why I wanted to start the charity in Samson's name. Samson and I wanted to give back. We knew the struggles poverty brings. We wanted to help others. Seeing him shine in Colombia will forever be one of my proudest moments in life. Seeing him have a heart for serving. Seeing him pick up Spanish so fast so he could speak with the locals... Oh, that is something I miss so much. Samson and I knew Spanish, (He was much better than I was, from being in class everyday and utilizing it.) we would always talk to each other in Spanish at home when we said something we didn't want anyone else to know. After we went to Colombia, it helped us with our fluency even more. We couldn't stop then, and always thought it was fun to tell our inside jokes in a way most around us wouldn't understand.

I think so often about going back. Helping others, wanting to buy a place close to the church for volunteers to stay when they go out. He and I had said we HAVE to go back. Our work wasn't done. Samson's work wasn't done. His work on earth wasn't done. I feel this sense of urgency to go back, to feel connected with Samson. I feel as though I have to go back to finish for us both.

I remember just a few days after Samson's celebration of life, my siblings and Tom had stayed around me. Several of us started to read "Imagine Heaven," which talks about near-death experiences. Many in the book talked about meeting God, and having their lives played before them, being asked, "How did you love others?" We sat talking about everyone's purpose on earth, and how one of the biggest things people were sent for is to show love to others.

My siblings and I, quite honestly, were not shown love by our mother. Having Samson was the first time I truly knew love. I knew I would do everything in my power for that boy because he was love. He was perfect to me. My strong, protective, stand up for what's right, loving boy. My brother said to me, "What if Samson's purpose in life was to show you what love is? He showed you the true meaning of love, and showed love to others." If that was why God sent Samson to me... it worked. I know now what true, unconditional love is. A kind of love where you would give everything you have, including your own life, just to save theirs.

I write this as I weep... thinking about what was taken from me. I weep knowing I fought for Samson... I fought for our future... and now what is that future? It was ripped from me. Grandkids, taken. Getting to see him as a father, taken. Getting to see him as a husband, or see what he would have done with his life... taken. So much future we had planned... it is all gone now.

My world is upside down, his brother's world is upside down. Everything we had anticipated happening will now never happen. Having a built-in best friend as a sibling, Gabriel will never have. His children will never have cousins. I think about holidays, and if Gabe marries into a big family... why would they want to be with us? I think about how bored Gabe gets now... being the only kid. He at least always had Samson to play or run off with... he doesn't have that.

Our family has been dwindling. Tom lost his brother, my dad lost his only sibling and brother. My dad's mom, my grandma, has no one left here. She immigrated from Sweden in the '60s, her family is all in Sweden and she is getting too old to travel. We really have a small family now, and thinking of the future is killing my heart. Even if my siblings all started to have kids now... the age gap for Gabe... it wouldn't feel like he is getting cousins to hang out with. All these changes you don't think of happening, now you're forced to face them.

Today is a lot of rambling and expressing emotions. We have Samson's 6-month memorial coming this Sunday, and it has been consuming me. I haven't been writing as much because of that, and really the emotional toll it takes to face all of these feelings, and deal with the emotions that come along with it. For Samson, I have to push. In these moments where I want to give up, and never come out of my room or my bed, I push. I push because Samson would have. Samson would have fought to keep going... and well, I want to Live Like Samson.

God bless you all. Thank you for sticking around and supporting this mama with a broken heart. I love you, Samson. Until our souls meet again.