March 13

March 13… a day that normally led to celebration, happiness, silliness. Today is not like those other days. You see, today is my birthday. It’s also the first birthday I’ve had without Samson since I was 17 years old. He has always been with me. To not have him here this year… well, what’s the point of celebrating? Celebrations are for families and friends, to rejoice, and share laughter and memories together. We won’t be doing that this year. There wasn’t pep in my step today. No, today, there was an ache and pain in my heart. How can I have a birthday when I will never get to have another one with you?

We got together for mine, Uncle Jake, and Auntie Gracie’s birthdays this Sunday, and there was a present sadness in the air. It just wasn’t the same. We talked about you so much, Samson. What you would be doing, how late you would have slept. (We finally woke your brother up at 2… you would have been right there with him.) I kept thinking about how we normally would have played games together. We would have been laughing, having fun. That was all replaced with tears and memories of you this year. Our hearts are so shattered, Samson. The hole your absence leaves, well, it’s irreplaceable. You are irreplaceable.

Yesterday was so warm, I sat outside on the deck for a while. It reminded me of you sunbathing on the deck while we still had ice on the pond. Everything I look at, everywhere I turn, I see things that remind me of you. I love it, I love the reminders, but they also sting so deep. It’s a reminder of you and who you were, but also a reminder of the gaping hole your absence has left. How you aren’t here anymore… your laughter, it’s left such a void, such a quietness in the house now. You are so missed, Samson. Not just by us, but by so many. You have an army of people behind you that will never let your memory fade. You were too special and too important to just be gone, Samson.

We love you baby. Once the pain begins to ease, I promise, I will Live Like Samson. I'll live like you, baby. No fear. I'll keep living for both of us, just watch over me babe.