Anger and the Emotions
I always have your phone on my nightstand. This morning, your alarm went off for school. The panic that set in brought me back to the moment you got up for school the last day I ever got to see you. It reminds me of my alarm going off, getting up, going into your room to check on you, make sure you’re up, and hug you.
I haven’t been able to stop the tears this morning. The anger and rage of not having you next to me, with me, in our home… It consumes me today. I’m so angry. I’m so angry about the life and future I was robbed of when losing you. It’s unfair. No parent should ever have to lose a child. This is fair to no one.
People who know me knew I lived for Samson. I lived for my children. They were my top priority. My life was my children’s. It wasn’t my own; I had fully dedicated it to being a mother. Now, the love of my life, my job title, my purpose, it was all stripped from me. Being a grandmother to Samson’s children is ripped from me. Seeing him graduate, seeing him go to state with his hockey team this year, going to prom next year, seeing him become an adult, the career he chose, I’m robbed of it all. I grew that beautiful boy for 9 months, and then had 16 amazing, wonderful years helping shape this little boy into the amazing man he had turned into. Someone I would look at and just burst with pride. He excelled at everything he did. He always pushed himself. He never wanted to be complacent.
Looking at all his belongings… his agate collection, his knives he always had to have for fishing and hunting, his fishing poles, his lures, his hockey bag with all his gear from the year he never got to finish… all remembrance to the life he lived.
When he was in 8th grade, he started a bait company with his friend. They went all in, spent all their money they had (which did end up being like $500) and bought everything they needed to start making their own fishing bait and lures. We still have his giant bucket of all of those. So many teachers, even his pediatrician, wrote me letters and said that was a moment for them that stood out. Samson saying how he wanted to make baits for a living. He was such an entrepreneur.
In the summer of 9th grade, he wanted to start a window washing company, a pressure washing company for siding, and last but not least, lawn care. He was always looking for a way to grind and bring in money for the fun stuff he wanted. Nothing could stop that mind. Him and I were similar in that; we would always joke that we were leaves in the wind and would go wherever the wind took us. We always had grandiose ideas that might seem ridiculous to others. To Samson and I, though, it just made sense. We were the go with the flow and make it better type.
I miss you so much, baby. Our life will never be the same. You were the puzzle piece that put us together. You will always be everything to me. We will never get over this. Sixteen years… sixteen years and a life gone in the blink of an eye… you’ve left a gaping hole, Samson. Not just for us, but for your friends. For everyone who knew you… our lives will never be the same, Samson.
