The Scene

I finally decided today that I needed to drive over to where the accident happened. Today, I needed to see it. I needed to see where it happened, where I lost my boy. The entire drive killed my heart. I sobbed the whole way. I've avoided that route and those roads for these last 3 months. I haven't wanted to go there. It hurts. It guts me inside, and it stings profusely.

I’ve had so many people say to me, “This makes me wanna live like Samson. I want to live like Samson. I want to live every day like it’s my last.” I do too, but I don’t even know how to right now. I don’t know how to function. Some days are better than others, but overall, this is my worst nightmare made real.

When I walked up to the cross, I had already been crying. Seeing it made it feel a little bit more real. I couldn’t believe the amount of flowers. It truly was so touching to see. To see that so many people had gone there, and care about you Samson, to know that there’s so many people that are thinking about you. Samson, you truly were such a bright light and a delight in everyone’s life. Being around you made life feel easy, fun, carefree, unstoppable.

I read the notes on the hockey sticks that kids had left. There is a lacrosse stick, and a hat, glasses. Some kids left you some of your favorite candy, and some treats. It truly is so touching to me to see. While I’ve been in so much pain, and ache, and haven’t been able to go there, so many others have. You’ve helped carry me in these lowest of low moments. 

It felt very surreal being there. Of course, that stirs up a lot of emotions. Thinking of retracing the steps Samson took on that day. I still don’t know how this is real. I have heard from psychologists over these last few months, that when death comes as a shock, it can be harder to process; it’s so out of the natural order of life, and then to add a freak accident on top of it. You can stay in a state of denial for longer periods.  Sometimes it feels like more than your brain can handle. 

I’m getting to reflect on memories. At this time last year, you, your brother, and I were in Sedona. That was one of my favorite trips. I loved going horseback riding with you Samson, I loved that you and your brother had each other to sit in the hot tub with each night. I loved seeing you push it to the limits, per the usual. I really loved seeing you get to be you.

I feel like going to the scene of the accident helped close a door for me today. It’s one less thing to haunt me. Although it brings me so much pain to do things like this, sometimes I think we need to push ourselves to help heal the larger pain. I think that by doing these hard things, it’s going to help me in the future.

There isn’t a moment that goes by that I am not thinking about you, Samson. I’m always wondering what you would be doing. Your hockey team has had an amazing year, and they are going to state. I keep thinking about how much fun that would’ve been for you. You would’ve been in all of your glory. I feel so robbed in these moments.

One day I’ll have an answer to why this all happened… and one day I’ll get to reunite with my boy again. What a glorious day that will be.