Missing Samson

My heart aches. Every day, the first thing that comes to mind when I wake up is Samson. I think of his smile, his face, his voice—the way he walked, the way he ran, the way he always had his music going. He always woke up happy. Samson was always happy. I mean, sure, there were moments when he would get grouchy, usually when he was exhausted from hockey. But those moments were so far and few between. Ninety-nine percent of the time, Samson was happy. He made such an impact. People have said, "You should be proud of the child you raised. He is like this because of you."

I had never thought about it in quite that way before. It hit me like a wave, crashing over me with profound clarity. All these years, I've been fighting against the stigma of being a single teenage mom. I didn't want Samson to grow up feeling like he lacked anything or that he wasn't enough. I worked tirelessly to shield him from the knowledge that our beginning was anything but easy. I wanted to protect him from that reality, to spare him from any feelings of inadequacy.

Yet, here was this incredible boy, brimming with love and kindness, and it dawned on me—I did that. Despite the challenges, despite the odds stacked against us, I raised this remarkable young man. In that moment, sobs mingled with pride burst from me, overwhelming in their intensity. Giving myself grace has always been a struggle. I reserved that kindness for my children, not for myself. But as I reflected on Samson's character and the journey we've traveled together, I realized the depth of what we've accomplished.

Samson was always such a warrior. I remember one night when he was just six years old, we were lying in bed together, getting ready to drift off to sleep. Suddenly, he turned to me with the utmost seriousness, grabbed my cheeks, and said, "Mom, if a robber or a bad guy ever comes into the house, I would protect you. I would give my own life to protect you, and I would do the same for our family. And when I have my own family, I'll do whatever it takes to keep them safe." It was moments like these that revealed the depth of his courage and love.

He had a penchant for keeping a stash of "weapons" by our bedside—knives, machetes, you name it. I couldn't help but chuckle at his determination to be our guardian, even at such a young age. Even now, I find solace in seeing the open knife sitting on his window sill next to his bed, a tangible reminder of his protective nature.

Samson's love for adventure and the outdoors was evident from the beginning. He was always decked out in his utility vest, equipped with darts for his blow dart gun, fishing gear, and pellets for his pellet gun. His Papa Brent, alongside his uncle Caleb, who was in the military, played a significant role in shaping his passion for hunting and learning the rules of gun safety. They spent countless hours with him in the backyard, perfecting their aim and enjoying the thrill of the hunt together. Samson absorbed their teachings eagerly, becoming proficient in gun safety at a young age. As soon as he was old enough, he eagerly joined Tom on hunting trips, bringing home everything from pheasant to deer. Samson relished the opportunity to turn his catches into homemade jerky sticks, a testament to his resourcefulness and love for the outdoors. The one thing about Samson, he always ate everything he caught... to the point where I ended up throwing away my air fryer.. too many gross things had been "fried" in that. There are so many funny, and memorable stories when it comes to Samson and his hunting and fishing. He was really all man.. from the time he came out. He just always has been a protector, warrior, yet the sweetest, and most caring young man.

Beyond his warrior spirit, Samson had a heart of gold. He loved playing with the little kids, especially his nieces, they were just as hyper as he was. Summer of 2023, we had headed up to my sister in law’s cabin. We met some of their friends who live up there, and they had a little boy named Sully. Samson and Sully were thick as thieves from the moment they met. They immediately started to carve sticks into spears so they could go frog hunting together. Frog legs are a delicacy after all… (for Samson, not for me). Together, they embarked on a frog-hunting expedition. They quietly, and carefully waded through the weeds, trying to catch some fat ones. It was so cute to see those two out there. Samson saw a mini version of himself in Sully. They both could live in the water, silly, goofy. They rode around on a little 4-wheeler, wanted to get whipped off the tubes in the lake, it was just the childhood joy.

Samson was excellent at that, bringing out your childhood joy. He always had such a sparkle in his eye. I loved hearing his stories. There were a lot of things I probably should have said no to, but for the sake of wanting Samson to live out his teen years that I never got; I’d let him go, but make him fill me in after. Ha! See, these are the memories that are bringing me joy. This is why I started this blog. I want to remember all the good, the bad, the memories. When I am old, if I end up living until I am old, I want this to look back on. You would hear that in almost every video I have of Samson. "Samson, I want this for when I am old. To look back on." But you were supposed to get old with me too, baby.. you were supposed to be the one losing me. I never should have been the one to lose you. Until I take my last breath, I will continue to tell the world what an amazing man you were, Samson. I love you.